


Tim Wayne: Road to Parenthood

by redroseworks



Series: Earth-116 [40]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24110455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redroseworks/pseuds/redroseworks
Summary: Tim's about to be a father. When he discovers his mother's journals while looking for his old baby photos in a storage unit, he learns there was more to his mother than he ever knew.
Relationships: Bart Allen & Tim Drake & Kon-El | Conner Kent, Bart Allen/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Janet Drake & Tim Drake, Past though, Stephanie Brown/Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: Earth-116 [40]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1395514
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	1. Waynes and Luthors and Babies, Oh My!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am agender. I do not support the fetishization of trans men as a means to make mpreg porn. If anything in my fic seems transphobic please tell me because i do not want to offend my transgender brothers

April 23th 2020 

Out of all the reporters in Gotham there was only one Tim could call. She was a gossip and a bit of an annoyance but in the end she wanted the truth more than anything. 

Besides he was nearly three months pregnant. Someone would notice the change in his form soon enough. Hell already Bruce’s assistant Lynn mentioned how he was finally putting on weight. 

So he was calling Vicki Vale of all people.

“Timothy Wayne. What are you suing me for?” Vicki answered. 

“Please, I haven’t sued you. Merely threatened to.” Tim said in his fancy voice. It was one he perfected over the years because of his father. Being a Drake meant having a good image.

“So why are you calling?”

“First, I am recording this call in case you try to twist my words in any way. I have a story. You will be the first reporter in Gotham to know about it. However, I have conditions.”

“Which are..?”

“You are not to drag my ex’s name through the mud.”

“Hmm. Okay. Now continue.”

“I’m pregnant with my ex’s kid.” 

“Oh. Is that why the two of you broke up?”

“No. I didn’t find out until after we had been broken up for close to three weeks.” 

“How far along are you?”

“Nearly three months.”

“How involved is your ex? Do they even know?”

Tim sighed. “Yes they know. They plan on doing what they can to help out.” 

“Do your families know?” 

“Yes. They all respond with congrats. Bruce, Talia, Lois, and Clark are excited to be grandparents.”

“And Lex Luthor?” Vicki asked. Yeah Tim keeps forgetting that Kon publicly acknowledged Luthor as his father. 

“Kon and his father have a strained relationship and Mr. Luthor has not been informed.” 

“How do you think your birth parents would react?” There it was. A question that Vicki decided to ask to get a reaction out of Tim. To get him riled up. 

“I’m not sure as they were very busy when I was growing up. Of course, you know that already. But I believe they would be excited.” In truth Tim had a good guess. His mom would be sad for him. She never wanted children. She tried her best though. He could recall how she pushed to spend time with him when they were home. He believed she loved him to a certain amount but she was very distant at times. His dad would be pissed at him. He would think Tim is throwing away his life by having a baby so young.

“What about Dana Winters?”

“She’s excited. She doesn’t want to be called a grandparent though. She’s too young for that. She’ll be like an aunt to the kid I guess.” Tim answered. 

“She’s a little older than Bruce and Talia.” 

“But Bruce was a father at twenty-two to an eight year old. Talia is married to him. Besides, they already have grandchildren. It’s very different.” Tim answered. 

“Well, I suppose I’ll say thank you for calling me. I prefer scandals but this will leave at least Lex Luthor’s PR department struggling to make a statement.” 

“Thanks and remember my condition. Conner is a good person and they did not break up with me over this.” 

“Yeah, yeah. And if I drag their name through the mud, you’ll sue me.” 

“You got that right.” Tim laughed as he hung up.

The next morning the headline was, 'Waynes and Luthors and Babies, Oh My!' Tim snorted so hard that coffee went up his nose. That was such a terrible headline.

Vicki kept her word through she added a bit about being the Wayne family’s most trusted reporter that made Tim roll his eyes. Trusted his ass. She was able to figure out their secrets only to be tricked into thinking she had been wrong. Either she never realized she was tricked or she had given up on it because it was too hard to prove who they were at night. She was too smart and too much of a reporter for them to trust.

Besides, the only reporters the Waynes trusted were Iris, Lois, and Clark. 

His phone rang with a Green Day song. Kon. 

"Hey, what's up?" Tim asked. 

"The sky, hard dicks, and Lex's stress levels." 

"He's pissed about the article?" 

"He's always pissed when I make the news. I'm Conner Kent, his bastard son, so it's not like I'm a good reminder of anything." Kon laughed. They all assumed Lex either believed that Kon was the creation of his and Clark's short lived relationship in their last year of college and wasn't the same person as Supernova or he just didn't want to admit that his ex was Superman and he made a clone to replace Superman. Whatever. Tim was just glad they easily got the dates lined up. Also he didn't like to think about the fact that Clark really dating and had sex with Luthor of all people. That was worse than Bruce dating Vicki Vale. Or Selina. Or marrying Talia. Or how he dated Harvey Dent. And Thomas Elliot. Bruce had issues and a weird type.

"How are the other Luthors?" 

"Lena is excited. Lori likes the idea of a baby cousin. Alexis and Little Lena both can't wait to be aunts." 

"Did you really forget to tell them?" 

"Yes. It's not like… we're still figuring things out, you know. I mean I have memories of Lena but they aren't my memories and Alexis and Little L are so young and they love Lex." 

Tim nodded, despite Kon not being able to see him. "Yeah. I know. How are things with Bart?" 

"Oh! They're great! Bart is… great. He's Bart but when he wants to be he's romantic. It's adorable. Yesterday, he ran to China because I said I wanted Chinese food for dinner." Kon laughed. 

"Aw. That is sweet." This was weird. But then again Bart and Kon were both Tim's best friends and his exs. 

"Yeah and oh my Rao. The sex. You never told me Bart was great at sex. He fucking vibrated. Vibrated, Tim." Kon said.

Tim snorted. "He was my first and I was his. Neither of us knew what we were doing back then. He must have improved." 

"I don't even know how he was back then but he most definitely improved. I was unaware that he could be sexy." 

"Bart is full of surprises." 

"So any dates coming up?" 

"I'm pregnant, Kon. That's not a good way to be when dating." 

"Not dating. Just a date. Have some fun." 

"Omg no. I'm not going around sleeping with guys while pregnant. That's just weird." 

"You don't have to have sex. Besides, what about Zachary Zatara. Doesn't he live in Gotham? I bet he'd be fun to make out with. Or Eddie Bloomberg. Or that weirdo Lonnie." 

"Zach and I went to the same schools and he stole my skateboard a few times. Also we did not like each other then or now. Eddie is… a no. He's friends with Jason. Honestly I'm pretty sure they're fucking. Lonnie is just a no way in hell." 

"Then go on Tinder. Tim, have some fun." 

"I don't need to date to have fun." "But you do need to have some fun."

"Okay. Fine. I'll call up Ives and play a game with him." 

"Omg. You're such a nerd. I meant go out and have fun but you know what? That's fine too. Go play your online game with your nerd friend. Also tell him I said hi and I hope he's doing better." Kon said before hanging up.

Tim sighed. This was gonna be a long few months. Hell, it's gonna be a long rest of his life. Kon was a good friend but sometimes Tim wanted them to not be so much all at once. Both Steph and Bart were that way too. Lots of energy and smiling their way through everything. Maybe Tim had a type.


	2. The Journals

Tim wasn't sure why he agreed to this; coming here with Steph.

They were in his parent's storage unit. One of the few his dad managed to keep when he went bankrupt. Tim kept it after he died.

So when Steph suggested they dig up some of Tim's baby photos and he told her they were in storage, well, they just had to go find them.

So here they were going through his parents old boxes.

"Yo, Timbers."

"When will you stop calling me horrible nicknames?"

"When I stop being your favorite ex girlfriend, best friend, and sister in law." The fact that she was all three of those said a lot about his social circle.

"...I hate you, you know."

"Whatever. Anyway who's Jitsuko Lynn?" Steph asked, holding up a leather book with a lock.

"My mother." Tim answered.

"Thought her name was Janet." Steph gave him a look.

"Jitsuko was her middle name before she got married. Lynn was her maiden name." He remembered when she told him about her name. Janet was her father, a white man's choice and Jitsuko was her mother, a Japanese immigrant's choice. Her mother died years before she married Jack and when she did she let go of something that tied her to her mother. She told him that sadly. She was a sad woman after all.

"Huh. While the lock on this has that carved in it." She threw the book towards him.

He caught it. "I didn't know she kept a journal. It's probably from way before I was born."

Steph shrugged. "Oh! Photo album." She held the album above her head. The year printed on the front said 1999. The year Tim was born.

In truth, Tim was nervous. He didn't want to see photos from before he was ten. He came out as a boy when he was ten. Jack wasn't happy. Janet was quietly supportive.

She was always so quiet and sad.

"Aw, you were an adorable chubby baby." Steph fawned over the book.

Tim rolled his eyes. "You're acting like you've never seen a baby before."

"I know I have… I just… it's weird how our roles are kinda reversed now, yeah?" Steph smiled at him sadly.

"Are you okay?"

"Me and Cass… we got to talking. About having a kid."

"Oh." Biologically that wasn't possible anymore. Sure Cass was trans but Steph had her uterus removed. She never wanted to be pregnant again.

"Yeah. I mean I know we can adopt but… with Cass's disability it's difficult. We've been thinking up solutions. Or estimating how much many we can throw at an adoption agency to overlook that Cass has difficulties reading and writing. And speaking. And my past and parents." Steph sighed.

"So you're distracting yourself by looking for my old baby photos. Stephanie… it'll be alright. You two will find a way."

"I also feel guilty since I've had a baby."

Tim walked over and hugged her. "You did what you thought best. You were still a kid."

"I know. I know." Steph cried.

"Besides, if I die in childbirth you two can adopt my baby." Tim joked.

Steph laughed. "Oh my god. Tim, why the fuck does everyone in this family have such a dark sense of humor. Oh my god."

"Trauma?" Tim suggested.

"I should hit you for such a horrible joke."

"But you won't."

"But I won't."

Later when Tim was setting down the box of albums he and Steph put together when he saw his mother's journal. And another journal. Mixed in the albums were three journals. All with locks.

He grabbed the oldest looking one. Picking the lock would only take about a minute.

' _August 12th, 1988._

 _Dear Journal, Father suggested writing in you to help me cope. お母さん died last month and I am being sent to Gotham Academy for high school. I'm alone, really. Most of my friends don't give a shit about me._ '

Tim blinked. He had never known his mother to curse. But she was young when she wrote this.

' _I am the daughter of the very rich Andrew Lynn and his exotic wife who barely spoke English and died of a heart attack. お母さん was so much more than that. She was my mother. She was also a dancer and pianist. She called me Jitsuko 実子._

 _Akina 明南 Lynn was more than a dirty old man's young wife._ '

Tim frowned. That was a strange way to describe one's father especially when you're like fourteen.

' _So you are for me to learn to cope while I'm off at a boarding school. That's literally ten minutes in good traffic away from my home. But whatever._

 _-Jitsuko_ '

That was the whole first page. The rest of the page was blank. The next page had small entries from several days.

' _August 13th, 1988._

_My therapist suggested poetry. Fuck that shit._

_I'll try it though. Maybe. I don't know._

_August 14th, 1988._

_a poem, by me for me only_

_feelings of, thoughts of_  
_death and mothers_  
_broken hearts_  
_loneliness_

_There. That's a poem. Happy, Dr. Smith?_

_August 16th, 1988._

_My roommate is named Amber Mankowitz. She's Jewish but white. They're all white around this school except for the Kanes. Or well, Kane. Ezra Kane. Amber and Ezra are both two grades above me and they're dating. Ezra lost his sister and brother in law last month. He didn't say I'm sorry for your lost or whatever bullshit people say and neither did I. Grief is a strange feeling._

_Amber is nice. She's very outspoken. Also she likes to act. And do beauty pageants. She's a cool girl. She would have lots of friends if she didn't date Ezra. She would have lots of friends if she didn't date the Jewish Chinese boy. And now she's roommates with the Jewish Japanese girl. I feel bad but I also don't. Why should I feel bad for existing? Also Amber is happy with her life as far as I can tell. We're two Asian Jewish rich teens who play into a shitty stereotype. Well half Jewish. Religiously Jewish. お母さん converted. Dad's Jewish in the ethical way and religious way._

_Too many thoughts are in my mind, fucking damn it._

_August 21th, 1988._

_Father called me today. Asked how I was doing. I told him I was fine. I didn't tell him that I already heard so many racial slurs and Holocaust jokes. I noticed I called him a dirty old man on the first page. Didn't tell him that though._

_He's not. Not really. But that's what people say about him. He married a woman twenty years younger than him._

_I guess that is gross. But she was thirty. She was an adult. A full adult. Most men in his class marry women who are barely eighteen._

_Dad said お母さん would be proud of me. He always says that. Now more than ever._

_He also said he loved me. I said it back. I love him. I love him so much. He's the only family I got left._

_By the way, I feel numb most of the time. Is this grief?_

_August 27th, 1988._

_My only friends are Ezra and Amber. I got called something that I do not want to write down by a so-called friend. So lost my fake friends who only like me for money._

_I'm gonna be so fucked when the two of them graduated._

_August 30th, 1988._

_お母さん, happy birthday. I love you._ '

Tim felt tears roll down his cheeks. His mom never talked about her parents. His grandparents. Andrew and Akina Lynn. He had always known their names.

Three locked journals. So much from the mother he never got to know. Not really.

And names of friends that he never knew she had. Ezra and Amber Kane. Bruce's uncle and aunt. Tim's great uncle and aunt technically and legally. Bette's parents.

He hasn't actually really talked to them before. He never really got the chance. They were busy. Like his parents were. But they made time for Bette.

His hand went to the cellphone in his pocket. Calling Bette may just help him make sense of his mom.


	3. Amber and Ezra

Bette greeted him with a hug. "You never call me except for when you want something." 

"Shush. You don't like calls. You prefer texts." Tim snapped back. 

"Don't call me out. At least I never had a crush on my brother." 

"First of all, I had a crush on Robin when I was like eight. And that was years before Dick was my brother. And you were the one who wanted to marry Robin. Your cousin." 

"Okay, I get it. We both had a crush on him. It still makes me sick to my stomach that I did." 

Tim nodded. "Let's stop talking about it." 

"Agreed. Anyway, Mom and Dad are making lunch. Didn't know they knew your old lady. They never talked about Janet Drake." Bette said.

"What about Jitsuko Lynn?" Tim asked.

Bette blinked. "Yeah… Mom's old roommate from Gotham Academy." 

Tim nodded. "My mom's middle name was Jitsuko. Maiden name was Lynn." 

"Huh, I did not realize that. They only talked about her when mentioning a thing from their high school days. Well come on." Bette led him through the living room of the large house. It was small for such a rich couple but it was bigger than most homes.

It was a nice place. Lots of pictures and paintings of Bette and her parents. There were also a few of the other Kanes and some of the Waynes. And the Mankowitz family too. 

And an older woman who Tim assumed was Lea, Bette's nanny and honorary third parent. It wasn’t like with Alfred, Martha, and Thomas where they were all in a relationship together. No, it was merely the fact that Ezra and Amber acknowledged that Lea played a large role in raising Bette. 

"Can't believe I haven't been here before." Tim said, looking around the living room while Bette stood in a doorway.

"You Waynes are antisocial as fuck." Bette shrugged. 

"As if us and Kate like socializing that much. I think the antisocial thing is from the Kane side. I mean look at my brothers, they hate people for the most part." A voice came behind them.

Tim turned to see Ezra Kane. 

"Hello, sir." Tim said.

Bette laughed. "Tim, you're family. I don't even call him sir." 

Ezra smiled in a way that made Tim think that the Brucie Wayne personality was inspired in part by this man. He looked a lot like an older and happier plaer version of Bruce. “Sir is way too formal anyway. I’m a tennis player and. Just call me Ezra, kiddo.” 

Bette smiled and rolled her eyes. 

“Alright… so I came here to ask about my mother… I found her journals and she mentions you and your wife.” Tim said. 

“Of course. How far did you get in the journals?” Ezra asked. 

Tim eyed him. The way he asked was like he was hiding something. “Only the first two pages of the first one. I stopped after I read an entry on her mom’s birthday.”

Ezra nodded. “Into the kitchen, we’ll talk more with Amber.” 

Tim followed him and Bette in a large kitchen. If Tim was a fan of cooking he would have assumed he died and gone to heaven because thi was clearly a very state of the art kitchen. Not to mention it looked like something out of a magazine. Amber Kane stood at the center island.

Amber Kane was a tall and stren looking blonde lady. Her wavy hair was pulled into a messy bun and no make up on. She smiled at him and waved the knife. “Hey, Tim. Finally one of Bruce’s kids comes by. We haven’t had any Wayne over since Jason’s death. Good thing that was temporary. Next time you see that boy, tell him I said to visit.” 

“Uh yeah. So you were my mom’s roommate in high school?” Tim asked. 

Amber nodded. “Yes. I was her roommate and we were close. How far did you read?” 

“Her mother’s birthday. The first one after her death.”

“Oh. I remember that day. Tim… your mother was a sad girl and I don’t think she would have wanted you to know about what she did but I think it’ll raise more questions if I don’t tell you.” 

“What do you mean?”

“The next entry she makes will be two weeks later. She never did write down what happened. She tried to kill herself. I found her in the bathroom with slit wrists. She would have bled out if I hadn’t found her.”

Tim found. He never knew that. Of course he wouldn’t know that. What mother would tell her child that she tried to kill herself?

“Jitsuko’s mom and dad were the only ones who knew certain things about her. Until me and Ez that is. But still. Losing her mom took its toll. And then she found herself with more feelings that she felt like were wrong. If I had talked to her before… she would have never attempted that.” Amber set the knife down. Her hands were trembling. Clearly the event still affected her. Why wouldn’t it? Most people, even superheroes like him, would be traumatized by finding someone they know trying to kill themselves in such a graphic way.

“Honey, you know it wasn’t your fault.” Ezra touched her shoulder. 

Tim was a little lost. He looked over at Bette who looked lost too. Thank goodness he wasn’t the only one. 

Amber sighed. “Tim… your mother was gay.”

What? “What?”

“Yeah, what?” Bette asked.

“She was gay. A lesbian.” Amber stated. Janet Drake was a lesbian. Who married a man that she didn’t seem to love. Who was supportive of his transition when his dad wasn’t. Who often worried about his emotional state. Who tried to kill herself when she was a teen because of it and her mom’s recent death.

“Oh.” Tim said.

“Yeah.” 

A tiny lightbulb lit up in Tim’s head. “She had a crush on you but you were dating Ezra.” 

“Yes and no. She assumed I was dating Ezra. We were best friends who flirted with each other. We were also very physical. We didn’t get together romantically until we were in our early twenties.” Amber said.

“Oh! So whenever you call Jitsuko an old girlfriend… you meant in the romantic way. I mean I know your bi but you also call all your friends your girlfriends cause your old.” Bette commented. The woman in front of him had dated his mother. And through adoption and marriage her and him were family. Which was weird and a lot to process.

“You are your father’s child.” Amber sighed and looked at her daughter and husband in a way that was so full of love and admiration that he didn’t need to be Cass to see it. But it also was a silent ‘these two are kind of idiots but they're my idiots’ look.

Tim snorted. Ezra and Bette both looked offended. “Hey!” They both dramatically gasped. 

“I love you both. But yes I dated Jitsuko. She was only a year younger than me and we bonded quickly. She left two notes on her mother’s birthday. One she had on her. It was addressed to her father. The other one she left on my bed. She apologized for her feelings.” Amber frowned. 

“I never knew…” 

“You couldn't have." Ezra said. 

Tim nodded. "Do you know why she married my dad then?" He didn't want to know. But he did. But he didn't. 

Amber frowned. "She started dating him during college. It was to keep up appearances. Her dad always believed it was unnecessary. But she saw reasons for it. She was her dad's only living heir." 

Tim nodded again. His mom grew up in the 1980s. During the AIDS epidemic. Being gay was definitely not a good thing in her time. Hell, even today being gay wasn't a good thing. People were still homophobic pieces of shit. 

"Her dad died the year Jackass proposed. Me and Ez weren't in her life as much at that point. I was starring in movies left to right and Ez was playing tennis all over. We were both busy and working our own relationship since it had a rocky start."

"Amber… maybe not call Jack a jackass." Ezra sighed.

"To be fair from what Tim told the Titans about daddy dearest he was a dick." Bette added.

"He was a bit of a jackass." Tim said.

"See, Ez. Even the son agrees. But anyway she married him to stay in the closet and because she was lonely. It saddens me that she kept a journal after high school. It was her coping mechanism." 

"I wish I had known her better." Tim said.

Amber and Ezra looked at him with pity. He hated that look. 

"Her journals are a good place to start. She only let me and Ezra read the first one before we graduated, I think a part of me wished I hadn't skipped a grade. Could have stayed with her longer." Amber said.

"When did you guys stop talking?" Tim asked.

"Me and Ez both went to LA. We only saw her around holidays. Times were different, we couldn't keep in touch that much. When she went to college she became so busy. Then she met your father. She was always with him and he wasn't too fond of how flirty me or Ez was with Jitsuko. It was all in good fun." Amber explained.

"I flirted with anyone in those days. Amber of course didn't. But she was used to flirting with Jitsuko." Ezra said.

"Was he aware that she was a lesbian?" 

"Not that I know of. Last time we really saw her was the wedding. Your father was controlling and liked to keep an image. Especially when she became CEO of Drake Industries. Best way to find out the answers is to read her journals." Amber said.

"Yeah okay. Thanks. Like really thanks. I guess I'll be going now." Tim said.

Bette grabbed his arm. "Oh no. You're staying for lunch. I have some name advice if your baby is a girl; no more Elizabeths. Or Catherines. And Martha is a no go." 

"Fine, I'll stay. What's wrong with Martha? Also it might be a boy."

"Too much baggage on one side. Too much to live up to on both sides.” Bette said.

“Is there a Luthor named Martha?” Ezra asked. 

Tim shook his head. “No. Kon’s other dad’s mom is named Martha. Most people call her Ma.” 

“Huh. Fancy that.” Ezra said. 

“Kon is Supernova, right? Or is he Impulse?” Amber asked. 

"Supernova." Tim said.

"They're the one that wears the leather jackets." Bette added.

Amber nodded. "I can't keep all the heroes and their names straight. Besides the Bats I can't keep up. I'm pretty sure there's like twenty different people with cat names and so many supers and Flashes." 

Tim nodded. "I mean that's fair. You at least know which cat person Holly is?" 

Bette glared at him at the mention of her girlfriend. 

Amber and Ezra both look at him curiously. 

"And Holly is…?" Amber raised an eyebrow.

"Oops." Tim said.

Bette sighed. "Sort of my girlfriend." 

"And what's wrong with her?" Ezra asked.

"She used to be a criminal and is more of an anti hero." Bette said.

"She never killed anyone though." Tim added. Bette just glared at him.

Amber sighed. "You're an adult and you make your own choices but when Tim's gone we are having a talk." 

Tim made sure to eat slowly for Bette.


	4. The First Journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter mentions rape and child abuse. Also racism and sexism. And Antisemitism. And suicide and self harm.

Tim sat down on his couch with his mother's first journal. He wasn't going to stop reading until he was finished. He wanted to know what she was like before his father.

He wanted to know her.

_September 13th, 1988._

_Dr. Evans said to write again. He said I was doing better._  
_Also I must correct myself. Ezra and Amber are not dating. They are merely best friends._  
_Dr. Evans said he would never read what I write. Unlike Dr. Smith. So maybe it's safe to write it._  
_I am a LESBIAN._  
_I am a homosexual._  
_Dad knows. Mom knew. Amber and Ezra know. They both say that like both men and women. Bisexual._

_September 14th, 1988_

_People keep staring at me. They know what happened_

_September 15th, 1988_

_poems i wrote during study hall in my math notes_

_star of david_  
_protect me_  
_from the crosses_  
_from the blood crucifixes_  
_from the crown of thorns_

_blonde hair_  
_blue eyes_  
_beautiful girl_  
_i wanna kiss her_  
_i wanna kiss her_  
_so badly_

_Mom's totally dead_  
_Dad's stuck in bed_  
_I have lost my head_

_September 16th, 1988._

_Amber is so pretty. She's so pretty. How is that fair?_

_お母さん once teased me for having a thing for blondes when I told her I had a crush on Sandy from the Grease movie._

_Maybe that's true. I don't know. I would want to see Amber dressed like Sandy was at the end of the movie. That would be so bad._

_September 17th, 1988_

_Finished all my missed work. Yay. Saturday wasted._

_September 18th, 1988_

_Ezra's nephew is visiting with him today. His name is Bruce. Bruce Wayne. When this little boy turns eighteen, he'll be one of the richest people in the world._

_Most students have family members visit on the weekends. I don't but it's only the beginning of the year._

_Bruce is eight. I have never really been around kids. I have a nephew and a niece but their both older than me. He also doesn't like me. Said お母さん was a gold digging whore. He gets it from his father, my asshole of a brother. My niece likes me._

_Anyway back to Bruce. Quiet kid. Ezra told me to not ask about his parents since they were killed in front of the poor kid._

_I didn't. I wouldn't. Seeing a parent die in front of you is horrible. Seeing both of your parents getting murdered in front of you seems worse than horrible._

_Ezra took Bruce, Amber, and me to a diner for lunch. The kid eats a sandwich with a fork. I have no words. Amber and Ezra at least eat their food in a way that doesn't horrify me._

_Bruce asked me why I looked sad. I told him I lost someone. He just nodded. The kid gives me the creeps. Maybe because no kids should be that sad._

_September 19th, 1988_

_Monday. Ugh. School again._

_September 20th, 1988_

_Me, Amber, and Ez snuck into an elementary school playground last night. It was silly but fun._

_September 21th, 1988_

_I want a cat. Maybe I'll convince dad to get me one._

_September 22th, 1988_

_I met an older student named Isla. She's Scottish. She's so hot and that accent. She has the bod of a model._

_September 23th, 1988_

_Dad called. Said we're going to Dave's birthday party tomorrow. Dave is my nephew. He's twenty three. He and his father don't like me._

_I guess I should rant about my brother dearest._

_His name is Andrew Junior. He's forty two and had Dave at nineteen with his wife Abigail who was seventeen._

_His mom's name was Judy. She died in a car wreck when he was twenty two. Dad said she was a nice lady. But then she died. My dad met my mom a two years later, married her, and then they had me. He was twenty six when I was born. My mom was thirty one. My dad was fifty one._

_My mom was so close to AJ's age. It was in his right to be upset that Dad married her. But he never liked me. Not even as a child. Dad tried so hard for him and me to get along. Still does._

_My brother's not racist. Why am I writing that? Oh yes. For the future historians. I want them to be the only ones who read my journals. I want there to be a movie about me with some hot Asian actress sometime in the future as I am a wonderful look into the young elite of Gotham from the late 1980s._

_Back to AJ. He just doesn't like me cause my mom is so young. And because he thinks my mom was a gold digging whore._

_His daughter likes me! Marilyn likes me. So not all them hate me. Abigail doesn’t hate me either. AJ’s own wife so ha I win._

_September 24th, 1988_

_The party sucked eggs._

_September 25th, 1988_  
_WW1 homework is so boring but this Wonder Woman lady? Is the best. She sounds so phat. AND she shows up again during WW2! Like who is this immortal babe or is Wonder Woman a family name? No one knows and that’s so fun._

_September 26th, 1988_

_I petted a cat today._

_September 27th, 1988_

_Oh, I wanna dance with somebody_  
_I wanna feel the heat with somebody_  
_Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody_  
_With somebody who loves me_

_Amber has been playing this song nonstop for the best three hours. It’s good though._

_Four hours in and she tells me it’s i wanna dance with somebody by whitney houston_

_September 30th, 1988_

_Been gone for two days. Wednesday was therapist day! I had to sit with Dr. Evans for two long hours. It was boring but good for me I think._

_October 1st, 1988._

_Thinking of going as Carrie for Halloween._

_Amber and Ezra are trying to convince me to go to some party on the 31st. I hate parties. They’re loud and full of drunk teenagers. Not to mention it’s gonna be held in an abandoned warehouse downtown._

_October 2nd, 1988._

_Ezra’s nephew and now his nieces visited today. His nieces are twins! Their names are Kate and Beth. I couldn’t figure out which one was which. Oh well. They don’t visit much cause they don’t live in Gotham. Currently they live on some military base in New York._

_I was with him when some weird British man dropped them off cause Amber was her parents house today and Dad had plans with Dave and Marilyn._

_Ezra called the man Alfred. Alfred called Ezra ‘Master Ezra’. Then he called me ma’am and asked me my name. He called me Miss Lynn??? So formal. Dad’s house staff isn’t this formal. Maybe it’s a British thing. I don’t know. I don’t care._

_October 3rd, 1988._

_Dad called. I mentioned getting a cat one of these days. He said maybe._

_October 4th, 1988._

_Dad called again. He got a cat last night. The cat is named Neko. I can go back home this weekend to meet her. I love her already._

_October 5th, 1988_

_3 days till I meet Neko._

_October 6th, 1988_

_2 days till I meet Neko._

_October 7th, 1988_

_1 days till I meet Neko._

_October 8th, 1988_

_She is a kitten. A little fully white kitten with a green eye and a blue eye. She is so small!! I love her. We haven’t had a cat since I was five when お母さん’s old ginger tomcat Haru died of old age._

_October 9th, 1988_

_Stayed the night at home. Dad drove me back to school and we stopped for breakfast on the way. He hugged and kissed my cheeks and ruffled my hair when he dropped me off._

_I love him._

_October 10th, 1988._

_Amber and I snuck into the woods and ditched our classes. I pretended to be sick in the morning and she said she’ll stay with me in case it’s infectious or something. We got notes and when everyone was gone from the dorms we snuck out. We did this because I noticed bruises on her body after she changed into her pajamas._

_We ran deep into the woods._

_And then I asked where the bruises were from._

_She laughed. And then smiled. Said to write this down later so that there’s a record. Said best kept secrets are found in journals._

_I hadn’t known this about her until today but her birth parents died when she was seven. Her guardians were chosen because they were her neighbors. Her parents didn’t know them well. But both her parents were only children and didn’t have any friends, not any they trusted with their daughter. So it was to the neighbors she went. The Goodman couple._

_Eugene Goodman liked her a lot. Too much. Grace Goodman hated her. Eugene rapes her and Grace beats her._

_She’s planning on running off when she graduates._

_I asked if Ezra knows._

_She said no._

_I don’t know if I should tell anyone. What if they don’t believe her? And that makes it worse. What if the Goodmans send her someplace real awful._

_October 11th, 1988._

_I agreed to go to that party. I don’t know why. Might as well, right?_

_October 12th, 1988._

_I finished making a long version of my uniform skirt in Home Economics. Gonna start a second one._

_October 13th, 1988._

_Four dead bodies were found on Gotham Beach. All of them are marked with so-called occult symbols. So freaky. But then again it’s Gotham. Black Canary disappeared when I was a small kid. Zatara left to New York after the murders of Ezra’s sister and brother in law. Heroes don’t stick around. People get murdered._

_But one of these bodies was Marilyn._

_My niece. She was older than me by seven years and now she’s dead._

_October 14th, 1988_

_She’s dead. Fuck. Fuck._

_October 15th, 1988_

_AJ and Abigail are a wreck. Dave didn’t come to the wake._

_October 16th, 1988_

_The funeral was today. Dave showed up drunk._

_October 17th, 1988_

_Detectives questioned me. I told them me and Marilyn weren’t super close but we were friendly. We liked each other and she sometimes took an older sister role for me when we were younger._

_They asked me if me and her fought recently. They asked if I was involved with a cult of any form._

_They were asking me if I killed her._

_And three other people._

_I was crying by the end of this._

_October 18th, 1988_

_All the bodies were women between the ages of 20 and 23._  
_All of them were upper class._  
_All of them were engaged in the last year._  
_Marilyn Lynn: Jewish, age 21, fashion model, engaged to Kyle Fisher, age 24, a novelist._  
_Eve Tate: White, age 20, socialite, engaged to Michael Smith, age 39, owner of a law firm._  
_Julia Peterson: White, age 23, widow of Ben Peterson (died at age 67 due to heart problems), current owner of Peterson Jewels, engaged to Joseph Brown, age 43, a professor at Gotham University._  
_Daisy Ross: White, age 21, singer, engaged to Glenn Jordan, age 28, med student._

_All of them were murdered and dumped on a beach. By who? No one knows. I wish I could find out. I wish I had the skills to find out and bring them to justice._

_It’s so unfair that they died._

_October 19th, 1988._

_Me and Amber smoked some cigarettes on the roof of the school. It sucked. Amber threw up._

_October 20th, 1988._

_Numb_  
_Empty_  
_Cold_

_I am void of emotions_  
_Except the pain_  
_The pain_  
_The grief_  
_The sorrow_

_October 21st, 1988._

_Dad and I went to dinner today. We went to our favorite dinner._

_He told me he would die if anything were to happen to anyone else in our family. And then hugged me tightly._

_October 22th, 1988._

_Me, Amber, and Ezra went to Robinson park and fed ducks._

_Ran into a doctor named Leslie that Ezra knew. Apparently she was a friend of his sister. Nice lady._

_October 23th, 1988_

_I climbed on the roof and stood on the edge._

_Then I slowly backed away and climbed back into my room. Amber was still asleep._

_October 24th, 1988_

_I bought the pink dress and fake blood for my Carrie costume._

_I'm gonna go to that party and have fun. Pretend to be happy._

_October 25th, 1988_

_Finished that second skirt. I'm now gonna start on a personal project: a kimono. I have some from trips to Japan and some that belonged to お母さん. I'm gonna make one in honor of her._

_October 26th, 1988._

_Dave apparently got arrested for driving while drunk._

_We may not get along but I hate knowing he's doing so badly._

_October 27th, 1988_

_An old friend came up to me today. She called me a dyke. I called her a whore who sucked the dick of her bestie's boyfriend!_

_It's not like I'm not a Dyke. It's just if people find out or if too many people assume… my life is ruined._

_October 28th, 1988_

_I want to jump out of my window._

_October 29th, 1988_

_I carefully cut my thighs while showering today._

_I didn't feel a damn thing._

_October 30th, 1988_

_I finished getting my costume ready. The dress has enough fake blood and I have plenty left._

_October 31st, 1988_

_I'm excited for the party. Just a little bit. It'll be exciting and distracting!_

_Amber is going as a vampire and Ezra is going as a werewolf._

_November 1st, 1988_

_Fuck everyone. Fuck them. Fuck them. People are evil sickos._

_Last night was terrible._

_So the three of us arrive at the warehouse._

_And this white guy named Fredrick wearing a pirate costume comes up to us with two other white guys. One in a clown costume and the other in a zombie costume._

_Amber is pushing me and Ezra behind her._

_Fredrick Goodman is the son of her piece of shit guardians._

_He gropes Amber and laughs._

_The three of them have us leave the party and we start walking down the street._

_We walk for a long ass time until we're in Crime Alley._

_Ezra was shaking. Amber was crying. I was a robot._

_I was pretty sure I was gonna die._

_Fredrick pulls out a marker and writes whore on Amber's face. Then he comes up to me._

_I'm frozen. I was frozen because I was scared._

_He pushed me against the wall and I could feel how hard he was as he groped me._

_He stopped though because Ezra yelled. He punched Ezra. Ezra didn’t fight back as he pounded on him. One of his buddies grabbed my hair and kissed me. The one dressed as a clown._

_Out of the corner of my one I could see the other one doing the same to Amber._

_Then Fredrick said something. The guy punched me and the other pushed Amber against a garage can._

_The three left._

_We went back to school._

_We can’t tell anyone. Ezra is Chinese and Jewish, someone might kill him for telling or try to blame it all on him. I’m a Japanese Jewish woman, no one is gonna believe me saying that about three white guys. And Amber has to live with Fredrick. And who’s going to believe her?_

_Me and Ezra’s family already have had to grieve this year, we don’t want to upset them more. Amber has no family; no one but us._

_So me and Amber use makeup to cover our bruises. Ezra walks around with bandaids and bruises. No one questions it. I wonder if he’s been beaten before._

_Asians are the ‘model minority. Me and Ezra both stand on the outside of this white world, no amount of money can change that._

_November 7th, 1988._

_I want to die so much._

_November 12th, 1988_

_Me and Amber kissed today. We were studying. Her lips were soft and her lipstick got all smeared._

_I freaked out for a minute. She just held me while I sobbed._

_I’m such a fuck up._

_November 14th, 1988_

_Ezra congratulated me and Amber on our relationship. It’s nice to have a girlfriend even if only one other person can know about her._

_Ezra and our injuries have pretty much healed. Like Halloween night never happened._

_November 23th, 1988_

_I told Dad I had a girlfriend. Couldn’t tell him anything else. He said he was happy for me. Told me to stay safe._

_November 24th, 1988_

_Thanksgiving went by like every other day. What did my family have to be thankful for anyway?_

_November 28th, 1988_

_Back at school._

_December 3rd, 1988._

_Happy Chanukah!_

_December 5th, 1988._

_I just want this shit over with._

_December 16th, 1988._

_Last school day until January._

_December 17th, 1988._

_Me and Amber had sex last night. I’m sad that we won’t see each other until January. But at least she’s staying safe at the school over WINTER break (not Christmas break). She’ll be safe from the Goodman family._

_December 23th, 1988._

_Neko is the best cat. She likes to cuddle me at night._

_December 31, 1988._

_Goodbye 1988. I hope 1989 is a better year._

_January 1st, 1989._

_Happy Birthday to me. I made it to 15._

Tim set his bookmark into the journal. Fuck. That was a lot of fucked up shit.

He had no idea how to process it all. His poor mother. Poor Amber. Poor Ezra. They were all just kids.

This journal told him things he never knew about his mom. That she had been through some awful things in a very short amount of time. That she had a struggle with suicidal thoughts and self harm.

And there were some good things he learned about her. She seemed to like making clothes at least somewhat. She had a detective mind and wanted to figure what happened to her niece. And she was strong.

She deserved so much better in life than she had been given. Tim frowned and went back to reading. He wanted to know more.


End file.
